We ask it every day— "How are you?"—but how often do we really want an honest answer? And how often do we give one ourselves? The question has become a social reflex, often met with the automatic "I'm fine" or "I'm good" regardless of how we truly feel.

In her book Emotional Agility, Susan David highlights how sharing how we are actually feeling and expanding our emotional vocabulary to do so, can deepen self-awareness and improve well-being.

The way we ask—and answer—"How are you?" matters to our own EQ, sense of self and connection with others. So how to we get (and provide) genuine responses to this habitual question and go beyond the surface level interactions?

Breaking Out of the "I'm Good" Trap

Too often, the question "How are you?" becomes a routine exchange rather than an opportunity for real connection. When we default to quick, automatic responses, we miss a chance to connect with our own emotions (as well as our connection with the person asking the question!). Over time, we may start internalizing these surface-level responses, reducing our ability to tune into our emotional state and give ourselves what we need.

Having more openness about how we are actually feeling—especially in the workplace—can strengthen relationships, improve collaboration, and enhance overall well-being and job satisfaction. Research has even shown that emotional check-ins at shift changes in manufacturing plants have led to a reduction in health and safety incidents. So how can we break the habit of surface-level exchanges and cultivate more meaningful emotional awareness?

Encouraging Authentic Responses

Leaders often ask me, "How do we let people know that we are genuinely asking how they are and that we truly want a real response?" The key is to be intentional in how we ask, listen, and engage in these conversations. Here are five ways to encourage more authentic emotional expression:

1. Ask More Specific Questions

We are so accustomed to hearing "How are you?" that our brains default to a standard response. By changing up the question, we can prompt a more thoughtful and authentic answer. Instead of the usual greeting, try:

• "I know things have been hectic lately—how are you coping?"
• "Is there anything else going on for you at the moment?"
• "How are you feeling about [specific situation]?"
• "How are your energy levels right now?"

By showing that you are aware of the person's workload, stressors, or specific circumstances, you increase the chances of receiving a genuine response.

2. Consider the Context and Framing

The way you ask a question is just as important—if not more so—than the words you use. Asking "How are you?" in passing while walking down the corridor will likely yield a superficial answer. Instead, create space for a more honest conversation.

For example, in a meeting, you can slow down the pace and make eye contact before asking:

"We'll get to the task list in a few minutes, but first, I just want to check in. I know last week had some challenges, and I haven't had the chance to follow up with you. How are you doing?"

This setup signals that you are genuinely interested in the answer and not just making small talk.

3. Model Vulnerability

If you want others to open-up, try setting the tone by sharing your own thoughts and emotions. People take cues from their leaders, so if you demonstrate emotional openness, they will feel more comfortable doing the same.

For example:

"Honestly, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed this week. There's been a lot on my plate, and I'm trying to balance everything. How about you?"

This approach normalizes emotional conversations and builds trust.

4. Actively Listen

If you ask someone how they are but then fail to listen, they likely won’t open up to you again. Active listening involves:

• Giving the person your full attention.
• Reflecting back what they’ve said ("That sounds like a really tough situation.").
• Resisting the urge to jump in with solutions.

You don’t have to fix issues that are being raised; just acknowledging someone's emotions and thanking them for sharing it with you can be enough. As a leader, your role is not to act as a therapist but to create a space where people feel heard and valued.

5. Use an Emotion Check-in in Team Meetings

A great way to integrate emotional awareness into team culture is through a simple one-word emotion check-in at the start of meetings. Each team member shares a word that describes how they’re feeling at that moment. Encourage a diverse range of words to build emotional intelligence, strengthen team connection, and create a more open and supportive workplace.

Expanding Your Emotional Vocabulary

Improving emotional awareness starts with naming emotions more precisely. Instead of saying "I'm stressed", consider whether you are frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, or discouraged. Instead of "I'm happy", ask if you are grateful, content, excited, or proud.

The more varied our emotional vocabulary, the better we can understand ourselves and support others. Whether you are a leader or a team member, choosing to engage in more meaningful emotional conversations can transform workplace relationships, well-being, and collaboration.

So next time someone asks, "How are you?", take a moment to reflect before responding. You might be surprised at what you discover.

Contact us to deepen your connections and foster emotional awareness in your workplace